In introspect

I wrote this back in 2008. I was just, don't know.....but, I wasn't nuts, just spontaneous flow of thoughts, I guess. Whoever reads this would find it silly and meaningless bulk of text. Nevertheless, I felt like posting it.

Of late, I have been thinking, thinking so much that at times I fear going real nuts and never come back to normal. I get haunted by all these “Wh” questions about family, future, friends, career, country, environment, nature and all the issues around, over and below us. I fight the feelings with all my might though.

I always used to and yet get this feeling that I be busy, always be on the move, remain updated, fresh, get involve in activities, strict about time, figure out things………..

Perhaps my mental paradigms were never in order. I have been like a drifted wood, I don’t have control over myself, I am impulsive, I always act on intuitions. Many times I feel as if I haven’t lived life my way, but will I ever be able to explain this “my way”…ever in my life? I ask what am I doing here? I question everything I am, everything I do, I look at myself and wonder who is looking at who?.. Who am ‘I’? Am I just this body that roams around meeting people, doing things, or Is there something else that makes me more than this body? Who is this 'me/I' I keep referring to? Am I pointing to this body I see myself in, If so then who is the person asking this question?

I know the filter of mind will stop functioning if I go this way. I feel vulnerable to myself. I am supersaturated, I need a little cure.

Might be because I’m absolutely free, I am out of work, my brain is under massive attack. I am alone and I have nothing to do. From my latest experience what I have realized is that it is a curse to be idle, not doing anything.

I think I’ll have to find myself something to distract my mind, or else i will go real nuts. who will do if not me?

Well, one nice person from NZ, actually a friend had said “words hold no meaning, they are just a temporary display of emotion”….. They are as true as you want them to be, they have no meaning unless you give them some. Why write when you yourself don't truly relate to the very words that are coming out. I’ll stop before I ramble and it all becomes lame.